A Day in the Life of The Apeman

Ha look here’s another blog post! Didn’t think I’d do it, did ya? Well here it is, I’ve only gone and done it, and it’s going to be fucking spectacular. How would you like a little sneak peek into the average day of the UK’s most Orangutan-themed spore syringe supplier? Quite a lot, I reckon, so here it is, with no further ado:

Here’s what I’m imaginatively calling “A Day in the Life of The Apeman”. I guarantee you, if you follow this guide for life (it’s a bit like Jordan Peterson except with half the amount of benzos and zero percent of the right-wing lunacy) then you will be stronger, faster, and able to smoke more cigarettes than you ever thought possible.

5:45am Wake up, answer customer emails, one thousand pushups – it’s important to answer customer emails quickly before you do the pushups as your arms will be proper fucked after this and it’s hard to type whilst your arms are shaking with power. Don’t do any legs, legs are just the stilts that haul the brain about, they’re pointless.

6:00am Shower, shit, shave – don’t shave your face, you want to grow a beard (everyone wants to grow a beard), but you are allowed to shave the other bits if you want. Try to make sure you shit in the toilet and not the shower.

6:30am Breakfast – this one’s up to you but I recommend starting on the Baileys, it’s an ideal early morning nootropic, and will help to line your little tum-tum for the rest of the day. Perhaps try it over some cereal if you’re a shill for Big Cereal or something. Eat/drink it quickly though because you’ve got customers to serve and you need to get to work soon.

7:00am Fuck me breakfast took a little longer than it should’ve thanks to a second helping of Ireland’s finest. Ah well – on to work! Open up computer, read all the lovely emails, make sure payments have come through etc. Delete the ones from MycoPunks about penis enlargement as mushrooms can’t do that.

8:00am Time to make spore syringes – go back in time to last night when you pressure cooked yourself some water, make sure you grab it but don’t disturb the timeline any more. If you see yourself, hide. Do not try and have sex with yourself using the idea “it’s only a wank really” – it’ll make the timeline all messed up. If you wondered where the pressure cooker keeps going when you sterilise the water, you now know that it’s being carried into the future by you, so try not to worry about it. Come back (forward?) in time, whack the water down in front of your flowhood, and put your lab stuff on. It’s working time!

11:00 Breaktime – well done you little champion, you’ve successfully managed to put spores into tubes. Bet you dreamed of this when you were growing up, didn’t you? Good stuff. You have earned a single (one) beer. Yes I know it’s not even lunchtime yet but airport rules apply to spore production. Put your feet up for ten minutes, whilst looking at your cool spore syringes, and crack open a tinnie – you deserve it pal.

13:00 I said one beer, you’ve had eight and it’s been two hours. Fair enough, you play the hand you’re dealt; those beers were probably going to go off anyway so you’ve helped to reduce your food waste which is very virtuous of you. Now it’s time for packing orders – print out all the labels, put the stuff in boxes, try and make sure you don’t get this part wrong as it’s kinda the important bit.

14:30 Labelling time – label up some new stock, make sure everything is tidy and put away nice and neatly, this is important otherwise the place will look like a shithole quite quickly and ain’t nobody got time for that.

15:30 Emails again – answer the emails that have come in through the day, whilst eating crisps as you forgot to eat lunch, you clown. Crisps are a sportsman’s lunch as evidenced by Gary Lineker being sponsored by Walkers for so long so they’ve got to be healthy.

16:00 High-power business meeting with the head of GlaxoSmithKline about the possibility of absolutely and completely selling out – fuck it all up by being sick down your front due to having not eaten, end the call by telling them “you’d never sell out anyway because fuck that, fuck this, and fuck you”. Send them an email shortly afterwards saying you are very sorry but you’ve got a stomach bug that has made you act erratically like Roseanne on the Ambiens (no racism though because you’re not a shitbird) and “hey, get in touch guys okay nice to meet you!”

17:00 Back to work – time to check out what’s going on in the world of mycology, so grab yourself a Mezcal, fire up the computer, and have a look at what’s happening in the world of mushrooms. Time to knock off for the day!

Well done, you have now successfully navigated a whole day of being the UK’s handsomest spore vendor. It’s that easy, I don’t know why everyone isn’t doing it!