I heard someone was asking about “Orangutan-masked online traders”

If you’ve been following my social media, you may well have noticed that I managed to get featured in the Sunday Mirror in what was a bit of a daft article. The writer clearly had a an outrage quota to try and hit that month and was a bit short of inspiration, so he dug up the unfortunate drowning death of a lad from seven years ago and tried to relate that to my company in some tangential manner. The unlucky chap that died had reportedly taken some magic mushrooms, and then gone swimming. That’s super fucked-up, but trying to relate that to a company that sells spores online is a fuckin’ hell of a stretch. Nonetheless, they tried anyway (and clearly couldn't find anything more recent to try and reference which further reinforces my personal views), because everything’s just about getting outrage clicks to generate ad revenue these days. Must be a shit time to be a journalist. The guy writing the article even rang my fuckin’ brother (no idea how he got his number) trying to contact me. I am living a bizarre life these days.

The story then got picked up by some of the other Reach PLC websites, and here’s the fun bit: they literally just started making shit up. I’m not even kidding. They also started creeping my Instagram and copied some pictures of me in Amsterdam where I’d posed for some photos wearing the Orangutan mask. Just in case anyone’s read what they’ve said and taken it seriously (hahaha), I’m going to address some of the dumbest bits here, and I’m even going to add some nice headlines of my own just in case they want to copy and paste any more articles.

Cynical fuckwits who pretend to have opinions for money

About the spores I sell: “They can be bought by bank transfer or using crypto-currency, with no age checks” – that one’s actually correct. They’re spores. They’re about as dangerous as a bag of dirt, a sock, or a hat, why would you have an age check on that? Bizarre flex. The reporter actually emailed me and said, and I quote: “We will also be reporting that children can buy magic mushroom spores through your site as there are no age checks when ordering. Would you like to comment on that?”

Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t know many kids who are into microscopy or trying to preserve genetics for a possible change in legislation in the future, or who know how to make bank transfers or use crypto. Most kids these days are into shit I haven’t even heard of because I’m old. It’s almost like he was trying to insinuate that spores = mushrooms, which literally is not in line what they are. Acorns are not Oak trees, cum isn't people (that one's for you, MycoPunks fans). 

Ban this sick filth

Next choice quote from him was “His website carries a disclaimer saying the spores should be used only for scientific study. But a blog on the site offers a step-by-step guide on how to cultivate your own mushrooms”. Yes, there is a guide on my blog about how to cultivate your own mushrooms if you live somewhere that it’s legal to do so. Not all of my customers live in the UK, so I thought it would be useful to have some information on here to try and boost the ol’ international sales a touch, and again, provide information for the future on the off-chance that the laws ever become more sensible. For the fifteenth billion time, do not grow mushrooms if you live in the UK.

Hog’s eye

There was then this bit: ‘Customers have posted on social media site Reddit about magic mushrooms they have grown using their spores. One wrote: “They turned out great. Ended up with about 70g of dried very potent shrooms.” Another said: “I grew some of em from orangutan. Be careful as they’re strong AF [very strong].”’ – on the subreddits that I am a part of, if you talk about stuff like this you’ll get banned instantly, and automatically. I have no idea where the Sunday Mirror are hanging out online. If any of my customers messaged me anything like that they would immediately win the grand prize of “not being a customer any more ever again” because I don’t sell them for that. Although I am very tall and handsome and strong, I am sadly not yet omnipotent, so I’m not sure how I’m supposed to know everything that anyone’s ever written about the things they’ve done with spores.

Knowing me, knowing fuck all, aha

The last bit from the Sunday Mirror must have had the brief of “write the end part as if you were Alan Partridge”: “He says of his purchase: “Inside a brown cardboard package I found a syringe filled with ‘Aztec’ magic mushroom spores, an alcohol wipe and a hypodermic needle. It also contained two red-topped magic mushroom toys, a couple of Maoam sweets, an Orangutan Trading Co sticker, and a letter with a handwritten signature. Matthew admits he is far from being won over by the extras”. Jesus fucking Christ, Matthew, what else do you want in there for £13? A Rolex? A ticket to Alton Towers? I’m doing my best here little buddy, but I think you need to recalibrate your expectations a bit. £13 for a syringe full of spores is amazing value for money, you dingus. Fucker didn’t even leave me a good review.

There was also a great picture of me when I was in Amsterdam with the guys from MycoPunks, that just has the caption “SCIENCE Orangutan website” because someone clearly got bored and forgot to write anything relevant. Science, bitch.

Then it all got (obviously) weirder when the Daily Star just kinda copy/pasted the whole thing but added brand new bits that literally don’t exist in the version of reality that we currently occupy.

Courtesy of the Daily Star:

Throbbing gristle

“Masked ‘ape’ flogging ‘strong AF’ mushroom spores for £14 – and it’s ‘perfectly legal'”

I assume the Daily Star writer gets paid for every quotation mark they manage to wedge in, looking at that fuckin' mess. It's not 'perfectly legal', it's literally and absolutely legal, why would quotation marks go there?! Spores aren’t strong because they’re spores and they don’t contain any psilocybin at all at that stage in their life cycle. They’re not £14 either (they couldn’t even get that bit right for fuck’s sake). Also they’ve said I’m 41 which is a shame because that’s also wrong, just like most of the rest of it.

Meat pipe

“Speaking to the Mirror while wearing an orangutan mask, he said:” – seriously what the fuck is this?! I was in stitches reading this. I’ve never ever spoken to anyone from the Mirror, I sent them an email because they said they were going to run an article on what an evil company I run. It makes the story more interesting I suppose but is sadly absolute horseshit.

A dog rubbing his arse on the carpet to calm the worms

They then caption a picture of my awesome website with this: “The Orangutan Trading Co sells a variety of mushrooms”. First of all, and the thing that pissed me off the very most, is that it’s Orangutan Trading Co, not The Orangutan Trading Co. Brand identity is important you fuckers. I actually looked and checked whether they were called The Daily Star or just Daily Star so I knew what to capitalise when I was writing it. In doing so, I did more work than their journalist. The other bit that is also stupid is that I don’t sell mushrooms, I have never sold mushrooms, I would never sell mushrooms (other than the cool gourmet type which I actually don’t sell but I could if I wanted to). They got so worked up with trying to equate spores to mushrooms that they deliberately forgot what my business does.

So, once more, from the top, because no matter how clearly I think I have written something it appears that people will wilfully try to twist it:

I sell magic mushroom spores, for people to collect and keep, or look at under a microscope, or whatever, as long as they don’t grow them. I do not sell “magic mushroom grow kits”, I do not sell magic mushrooms. I do not advocate that anyone breaks the law, so even though I think that if people live in countries where it’s legal then they should enjoy growing their own mushrooms, I do not think/recommend/advocate that anyone in the UK does that. I would refuse to sell to anyone who said they were going to do that with my spores, even though I don’t agree with the law and it costs me a sale, because it doesn’t matter whether I agree with it or not, it’s the law.

Remember kids: Don’t vote Tory, it’ll make your face melt off. And also probably don’t believe what’s in the papers.