Description
Radical Gift Voucher!
What’s the best gift in the world? Obviously, it’s something from my website of course, maybe some spore syringes, or some prints, or a hoodie, who knows? Now it could well be that your lovely Nana’s got a hankering for a bit of OTC action, but you know how Nana is, she’s keeping her cards close to her chest in terms of what she’d actually want. You don’t wanna just come out and ask her, because then she’d know what you were doing and the surprise is spoiled. Let’s not go down that route, we’ve all seen Sad Nana Syndrome before and it’s devastating. I’ve got a way through this minefield for ya.
I have been slaving away at the laptop creating what can only be described as “the best gift voucher known to humankind, in all of recorded history”. I don’t wanna talk it up too much but it is what it is, this is one of those defining moments in time that we will all remember. “Where were you, Daddy (or Mummy, I don’t know what flavour of human you are) when Orangutan Trading Co launched the gift voucher?”, your children will ask, and you’ll reply “I was probably on my phone” and then smile wistfully at the memories of all the good times you had with your gift voucher, because there were just so many.
Loads of places do digital gift vouchers but to be honest I’m not keen because it kinda feels like the ultimate “oh fuck I forgot” move, even when it isn’t, so this is an actual full-on physical product that you can clutch tightly to your heart before handing it over to the Nana of your choosing (you can pick someone other than a Nana if you really must).
But wait! This isn’t just a gift voucher, oh no. This has a sexy Orangutan on the front, some space for you to write some names on, and even a little section where you can write down what their hair smells like. You could just make that bit up if you like, or you could sneak up on them and have a nice big smell of their hair. I’m told some people find that a bit odd so maybe don’t do it at work unless you want a lengthy chat with the HR department – Orangutan Trading Co will accept no responsibility for any hair-sniffing-related disciplinary procedures that may occur as a result of misuse of your nose. The gift voucher comes with a lovely little envelope to put it in so that whoever you gift it to feels super special, and I’ll even throw a bonus sticker in because everyone loves a sticker.
Here are some important details about the gift vouchers that you should read:
- DO NOT eat the gift voucher
- SERIOUSLY don’t eat it, it’s not poisonous or anything but it can’t be good for you
- If you lose (or eat) the gift voucher it will be a moderate pain in the ass for me to sort out but feel free to email me and I’ll try my best to help
- The expiry date will be ten years from the day I pack it up because that’s a nice easy number for me to work out
- You don’t have to spend all the money on the voucher in one go because we live in the future and we keep track of things on computers now
- Like all gift vouchers, don’t share the code on it with anyone because that’s the bit that matters
Your voucher will be posted up to you so that you can add the names and all that sort of stuff, or if you’d rather I did that bit you can write a message in the notes and get it sent directly to the recipient. If you do want it posted directly to the lucky person, probably best to let me know what to write in the “your hair smells like…” section or I’m just gonna make it up and I’m fairly sure I’ll be writing stuff like “wet eggs”, “damp dog in sauna”, or “rugby club car park”.
If you really want I could just email you the voucher code but honestly fuck that, it’s way less fun than getting a Radical Gift Voucher given to you, let’s not do that.
