So I’ve been getting some weird messages on Facebook (you may have seen it mentioned on my Facebook or Insta pages) about people who have bought Dog Ramps from a company called “Chengdu Sawhong Orangutan Trading Co” who seem to run a knock-off Wish lookalike. These crazy old guys have gone and bought cut-price Dog Ramps from a shady source, and they’ve been sent Nit Combs instead (I guess so that there would be some tracking info) and they’re moaning at me for it, because they’re not good enough at the internet to understand I clearly haven’t sold them a Dog Ramp. It’s a weird world.

Anyway, I thought “fuck it, I’m missing a trick here, there’s clearly a market for Dog Ramps”, so here it is: our very first foray into Canine Extreme Sports. Have you got a dog that’s fuckin’ rad? Does your dog secretly yearn to be like the Birdman and smash 720s in front of their adoring fans? Perhaps your dog listens to Pennywise or NOFX and uses the word “sick” when they mean something is good? If so, buddy, I have got the ramp for you!

For the low, low price of £6969 I will have a fucking amazing ramp built in a location of your choosing (the picture is illustrative of style). I will then arrange for a selection of skateboards and dogs to be available (not forever, I’m not stealing dogs, it’ll be like a party) so that your dog feels encouraged and confident in their sporting endeavours. Probably throw in some dog ice-cream as well so your dog will be super popular. I don’t think I can get the Guitar Hero dog to show though, he’s super busy due to his obvious talents. I will also spray paint up to three dog’s names on your ramp in front of the dogs so that they understand that graffiti is cool and good. I’ve seen the kinds of Dog Ramps that other company were offering and I’m confident in my claim that your dog would get very little airtime from their Dog Ramp in comparison to mine, certainly not enough to land even a 360.

I will 100% NOT send you a Nit Comb unlike those other shady motherfuckers. This is NOT a joke – if you have lots of money and more than your fair share of brainworms, you can click ‘buy’ and I will turn up in the middle of the evening, slightly drunk already, and just start banging away on bits of wood until I make your dog’s dreams come true. That’s the difference between me and them – you’ll actually get your ramp from me and it will be fucking magnificent.