Description
Hats! Whole fuckin’ variety of hats in the world and I look like an absolute chump in most of them. I don’t think my head’s even particularly madly shaped or anything, but stick me in a baseball cap and I look like Steve Buscemi in the “How do you do, fellow kids?” meme, and I did even when I actually was a kid. I’m disqualified from wearing a fedora because I have consensually touched a boob, and what other kind of hat is there? That fella from Del Monte’s got the stench of colonialism all about him so Panama hats are a no-go. This, as far as I can bothered to research, is all of the hats apart from one, and what a hat it is: the Beanie.
Everyone looks great in a beanie, it’s a given, because it’s the perfect hat. That’s just science, it can’t be argued with. These beanies are slightly better than your run-of-the-mill beanie though, because they’ve got my logo on what Punk Ross done did, and that elevates something sublime into something, and I don’t want to blaspheme here, almost spiritual in nature. You’d think that would be enough, but it’s never enough. These beanies come in not one, not ten, but three colours for you to choose from, depending on your own sartorial leanings:
There’s Graphite, which we regular folk call “grey”. This colour is evocative of a fine summer’s day in Plymouth City Centre trying, and sadly failing, to find a car parking space before the off-licence closes. It’s got white writing on because that was nice for the contrast.
There’s Charcoal. That’s what you’d call black if you sold beanies. My son said to me earlier “Daddy why can’t we see space when we look up but we can see the moon? I thought space was black?” and I replied “because space doesn’t have a colour, it’s nothing, so you can see through it” – that’s what this colour is, it’s the infinite potential of everything that could ever happen and you’re gonna wear it on your head like you’re the lord of everything. There’s white writing on this as well because if I did black writing you’d tell me I sold you a plain beanie.
Finally, Orange, a colour that it’s clearly hard for beanie factories to find a different name for. This is the same colour hat as Parappa the Rapper wears, which automatically qualifies it as the best colour hat. Sure, orange may seem a little daring, but if a paper-thin cartoon dog that raps, learns karate from an onion, and is in a relationship with a sunflower wants to wear it then you know it’s the right choice because that guy clearly cannot make a bad choice. Bucking the trend, this one has black writing on.
All this and more?! I cannae fuckin’ believe it! These hats have a SUPER SECRET SECONDARY FUNCTION when you fold them down over your face:
Graphite: Add a couple of slices of onion and a line of black tape and wow look out, it’s the Iron Man – better start making that dragon sing, old chap!
Charcoal: Cut some eye holes out and you’re good for as much paramilitary action as takes your fill – and lord knows that’s only looking like it’s going to become more useful as days go by!
Orange: Whack some googly eyes on and a big smiley mouth and wow look at you, you’ve got your very own Orangutan mask just like me!
Head warm? Check. Looking good? Check? Possibly more thoughts-per-second (TPS) due to the increased blood flow? Yeah, why not, hard to prove otherwise really.
Technical Details:
Double Layer Knit! Cuffed! Weighs just 72g! 340 GSM! 1BPB*! Fancy!
*Bonce per Beanie
Please note: Comes in “head sized”, if you have an absolute outlier of a head, some proper “only one will be born in a lifetime” style thing and glasses either fall off you or explode when you try and put them on then get a mate to buy one and try it out first yeah?
